[ it's not like he owes anyone anything, but— for sharon, he can warrant an answer. he just needs a minute to put some pressure on his temples. it eases the ache. ]
I did cause something. Something I had to— and they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
[ That eases something in her chest. But he still set events in motion, still has blood on his hands. Jinx's people died because of it. And yet, she doesn't judge him. Can't judge him. That's the trouble with caring for someone: it twists the lens, softens the edges, and suddenly every terrible thing they've done looks different in that light. ]
[ there doesn't seem to be the skip of a lie or exaggeration in the mix. what he says, to him, is candid disclosure, rounded in earnestness. ]
. . . That doesn't justify a thing and it doesn't make me a hero. [ he seems to resent that word, tied to this, and him. "hero". what he did was never to be heroic. it was painful and upsetting and there was the chance that he and viktor would never recover from it. ] But I made my decision. She told you her side. I'm telling you mine.
[ he seems to imply that he won't judge her for whatever opinion she has of him, now. ]
[ No disbelief colors her side of the Murmur. There's a steady, pressing curiosity, but it carries a quiet acceptance with it. Nothing in his words feels false. This is his truth.
It helps that he isn't offering it as an excuse. ]
...so, it worked? You saved the world? [ No awe, just that raw curiosity. ] Why'd so many die?
[ jayce doesn't know how to answer that completely. there was more involved, that shot taken was just a catalyst to the real deal. to being close to certain that he'd died in the process. he couldn't have had a more perfect death. a way out.
he couldn't live without him anymore. ]
. . . I hope so. [ he hadn't planned on knowing what came after. and it's perhaps the way sharon asks, emotion and all, that has jayce keep open about it. would've shut people out, otherwise. ] It's a long story, Sharon.
[ but he doesn't seem against it. in fact—
he hadn't disclosed with anyone what he was planning before. not cait, a sister to him. not mel, a past love— especially not after it being an elaborate joint suicide. they'd try to stop him, and . . .
he didn't want to be stopped. either he lived in a world with his partner or he didn't. those were the rules to his heart. ]
[ Through the murmur, there's the sense of her leaning in, a warm shimmer of curiosity and... care. She doesn't want to know just for the sake of knowing, she wants to know because she likes Jayce. Even with the weight of what he's done to someone else she cares deeply for. ]
[ after a quiet moment of hesitation, jayce sigh and leans back into where he's seated for the endless night. he honestly doesn't even know how to start. when he thinks about where it all began, it's his damn life story. when he thinks of viktor, it borders too personal, intimate. something he's never shared with anyone. not even his own mother. ]
My research, my life's work— our work, with my partner, was engineering magic. Using it to help those who needed it most. [ it was such a beautiful thing. jayce spent his entire life dedicated, only to find out the magic had simply been a person to him. absolutely wild. wild, also, were the frustrations that came with having a sellable idea and rich bigwigs interested in their gains. ] But we never had the funds to make that happen. Not the way we wanted to.
[ Our work. His partner—the same one he'd been searching for when they first crossed paths.
Sharon is pretty sure she's heard this story before, back home. Someone comes up with a good idea, something that could save lives, but the ones holding all the power always have their own better ideas. The kind that make money. Saving people doesn’t. ]
Can't lie, engineered magic just sounds like science to me. [ Clarke's Third Law, and all. ] So, you—what? Sold it?
It is science, [ he almost exclaims it with facination, with a youthful afterglow that knew the beauty of magic at work and the dream to make it accessible. he might've been a damn fool for it, but it made him happy. even at his core, he loved magic. ] one we had to get investors for. That worked—
[ a huff, scoff even, ]
They just wouldn't approve of anything that didn't fill their pockets. [ jayce was proud of what they'd created, but he wasn't proud of the way it was handled. he wasn't proud of the way he was marketed, how he fell right into it, and how viktor was erased. even from his own blueprints in the hands of the kirammans. jayce feels feels tired guilt as he counts the time he was . . . manipulated. ] Seven years, we strengthened their trade, made them richer, with the promise that we could do what we wanted after that.
[ it's not mel's fault. if anything, she helped him navigate those dangerous waters, to keep the idea afloat, keep it within reach, get what he wanted. she made him dance to such a beautiful tune, and damn it, there were times where he liked it.
[ At first, the feelings through the Murmur are bright, an almost youthful spark of passion, but they twist as Jayce keeps talking. That spark curdles into guilt, into shame. He fell for their promises again and again. Hopeful, naive, maybe even craving the attention. Maybe it was easier to cling to the idea that next year they'd finally give him what he needed than to face the truth: he'd only ever been used.
It's hard to hold it against him.
And yet... Dahlia swallowed the same poisoned honey, believing pretty lies to mask the taste of ash and rot. Sharon lost her innocence to it, her life, and Jinx lost her family. The thought makes Sharon pull in a sharp breath before letting it out slow, disappointment bleeding through the Murmur. ]
[ you'd believe me. jayce sucks in a breath and scrunches his nose; he was reminded of his trial, just now, and it kind of makes him cringe. his passion for this was undoubtedly steeled, though. ]
I didn't spend . . . Every waking year of my life, obsessing over this research— just to give up. I fought for it when no one else believed in me, [ he nearly took his own life when it was forcefully taken from him— but he'd rather not say that about himself. ] . . . Except for Viktor.
[ he adds; he'd shove credit at him wherever he'd go. clearing his throat, jayce continues. ]
It took seven years to make the Hexgates. After that, we were given leeway. We had prototypes ready, made during that time— to finally help the lower, working class population.
[ then . . . two things happened. jayce sighs heavily. ]
Jinx stole the hexcrystals the same night they were supposed to be presented to the public.
[ There's a flash of an almost youthful vulnerability to Jayce, still bruised by disbelief. He's devoted so much of himself to magic, thrown years of effort into it, only to meet people who saw it as a tool for their own ambition. At least he'd had someone in his corner.
Hexgates, hexcrystals... and Jinx had taken them. Sharon's brow furrows, a caution creeping through the Murmur as if she were bracing herself for something. ]
[ he's clearly disappointed in himself, but he also doesn't know to what point that would have made things better or worse. if jinx had stolen them anyway, it would create even more turmoil, perhaps. but, more than one person close to him was upset with that decision. he regrets listening to heimerdinger, but then again— there were so many people asking something of him, and he was only doing his best. ]
They made me a councilor, after that. To oversee the Hexgates' security. [ it's not what sharon thinks— at least not yet. a lot of things happened before leading to jinx's strike. but sharon wanted to hear his side of the story, didn't she? this was it. ] I never wanted that job. It wasn't even for me, [ there were too many political games that made him seethe. ] but I still took it seriously. And I did my best, in earnest.
[ a beat. he might even be huffing, in disbelief. ]
The last thing I managed to do before stepping down was gain the council's approval for an agreement, for Zaun's independence.
[ he assumes she knows where that is, is jinx has been talking to her. ]
You went into politics? [ The words tumble out in an incredulous snort before she can stop them. Of all the paths he could've taken, he chose to fall in line with them. To think he could change things from the inside. Sharon can't help but think it sounds painfully naive.
But knowing him now, she doesn't think he still is. ]
I'm sure that's impressive, but unless that agreement actually went through, it doesn't mean much for the people it was supposed to help. [ Her tone softens, but only a little. She doesn't know the ins and outs of his world's politics, but she's seen enough of her own country to know how it usually works; these things were meant to lead people along without ever delivering what was needed. ]
[ listen, he knows that sound— and there was quite a lot at stake at the time, to the point that jayce didn't know how to say no in fear of . . . so many things. the project wouldn't continue. he wouldn't be able to help viktor, or anyone— then. he knows now that he's always had a choice. so, quietly, the scoff is mirrored, internally; he agrees with her. ]
How could it? [ pointed, ] Jinx launched a missile into the room right as it was approved.
Wait, seriously? [ Horror prickles at the edges of the Murmur, tangled with surprise and concern, yet underneath it all sits an odd sort of acceptance, like some part of her isn't surprised. She knows what it feels like to strike out at people who've hurt you. Maybe Jinx hadn't realized what they were really talking about—but would it have made a difference if she had? ]
I'm sure she had her reasons, whatever they were, [ Sharon says after a pause, her tone flat but not unkind, ] but that's... pretty shitty. [ She understands what Jayce had been trying to do, and how Jinx had blown it apart, both figuratively and literally. ]
[ the silence that follows sharon's response is a deadly one, building. jayce has to think once. twice. is he really feeling this? is he hearing this? he didn't want anyone to side with him, at least understand—
and what jayce projects is something like the slow, bubbling eruption of a volcano. ]
Pretty shitty—? [ a disbelieving scoff— ] Sharon, she intentionally blew up a building. There were people in there. For what the council was, there were still good people willing to make a difference. A mother to me, my partner—
[ jayce can't make it clear whether he wants to specify at the moment. mel. viktor. their brief images of that day flashby, with viktor's being in the greatest panic. both his partners and both with these feelings attatched that tangle into far more than simple affection. it is love, for the both of them. even if he and mel had drifted apart, he still loves her. and viktor—
he cannot get started on viktor. it makes his whole body rack with contained rage. ]
. . . I carried his body across the city to resuscitate him. [ she just— did the one thing that would set him off. the night still gives him nightmares, every fucking night. he hears viktor's snapping left and right under his hands, bleeding all over him. he didn't want to pit her against jinx— but flatness, read as nonchalance, closes him off like an iron wall. ] "Pretty shitty".
[ His anger makes her bristle, something inside her rising like a snake—coiled, venomous, ready to strike. ] What did you want me to say, Jayce? I've been where Jinx is. I know what it takes to reach that point, and it's never just one horror or tragedy. It's the build-up of many.
[ But then she draws back through the Murmur, softening despite herself. She knows how it sounds—cold, unfeeling, maybe even cruel. And maybe she is. Maybe she can be. The only reason she doesn't snap outright is because it's Jayce, because she likes him, because she hates that he's suffered because of the actions—and inactions—of others. ]
I'm sorry, okay? I don’t think you deserved that, or your partner... [ At least, she hopes not. She wants to believe Jayce wouldn't stay close to someone who'd stand by and watch others suffer. ] But, yeah, it's pretty shitty, and I'm sorry I didn't choose a better pair of words to express my horror that you had to go through that.
[ there's nothing else to say without jayce sounding entitled— he goes quiet, simmering beneath his silenced surface and accepts the apology, even if part of him still wants lash out somewhere and that's not because of sharon.
he needs a tree to be on the other end of his temper. one that at times feels alien to him, unlike him— but a lot of things changed since that ravine. ]
. . . We've all got our burdens to bear. [ and that's it. with a sigh that comes from squeezing his temples, he thinks: ] Think I'm at my limit for today, though.
[ he's just— not in the mood anymore, but he's trying to be polite about it. it's exhausting and the worst is that he can't even sleep it off. there is a dark sort of writhing in him that just wishes to disappear for a while, an old nightmare beckoning always, at his heels, at every year of age. but he's here, now. alive when he'd decided not to be. so— who knows. he's going to try and crack a book, or find good sticks to carve. make some prototypes. ]
If you want to know anything else, shoot.
[ he'll be curt. he's being curt, now. less mentally bare, but that's for the good of them both.
the wounds have peeled open when they've once scabbed. he has every damn good reason to hate her. he's still drilling himself to not do that. he's damn well better than that. ]
[ He's still angry, heat rolling off him like a kiln in the Murmur, and while a part of her remains curious, still brimming with questions, she pulls back, giving him the space he needs. ]
There's nothing else right now. [ She pauses, the silence stretching just a heartbeat before she adds, softer, ] Thanks for your honesty, Jayce. [ Because it matters. Whether or not she agrees with him, the fact that he offered her his truth means more than she can easily put into words. ]
[ and honesty had everything to do with being a decent human being. he was brought up that way, and never has he changed that. something to . . . be proud of, at least. maybe his mother would be happy something wasn't lost in the way he was reshaped. ]
Good night, Sharon.
[ jayce bows out quietly, after that. a show of an olive branch, since his frustrations had nothing to do with her. he just needed some air, and is thankful for the space given. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ it's not like he owes anyone anything, but— for sharon, he can warrant an answer. he just needs a minute to put some pressure on his temples. it eases the ache. ]
I did cause something. Something I had to— and they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
no subject
Why? Why did you have to?
no subject
[ there doesn't seem to be the skip of a lie or exaggeration in the mix. what he says, to him, is candid disclosure, rounded in earnestness. ]
. . . That doesn't justify a thing and it doesn't make me a hero. [ he seems to resent that word, tied to this, and him. "hero". what he did was never to be heroic. it was painful and upsetting and there was the chance that he and viktor would never recover from it. ] But I made my decision. She told you her side. I'm telling you mine.
[ he seems to imply that he won't judge her for whatever opinion she has of him, now. ]
no subject
It helps that he isn't offering it as an excuse. ]
...so, it worked? You saved the world? [ No awe, just that raw curiosity. ] Why'd so many die?
cw: implied suicide ideation
he couldn't live without him anymore. ]
. . . I hope so. [ he hadn't planned on knowing what came after. and it's perhaps the way sharon asks, emotion and all, that has jayce keep open about it. would've shut people out, otherwise. ] It's a long story, Sharon.
[ but he doesn't seem against it. in fact—
he hadn't disclosed with anyone what he was planning before. not cait, a sister to him. not mel, a past love— especially not after it being an elaborate joint suicide. they'd try to stop him, and . . .
he didn't want to be stopped. either he lived in a world with his partner or he didn't. those were the rules to his heart. ]
no subject
I'm up to hear it, if you're up to tell it.
no subject
My research, my life's work— our work, with my partner, was engineering magic. Using it to help those who needed it most. [ it was such a beautiful thing. jayce spent his entire life dedicated, only to find out the magic had simply been a person to him. absolutely wild. wild, also, were the frustrations that came with having a sellable idea and rich bigwigs interested in their gains. ] But we never had the funds to make that happen. Not the way we wanted to.
no subject
Sharon is pretty sure she's heard this story before, back home. Someone comes up with a good idea, something that could save lives, but the ones holding all the power always have their own better ideas. The kind that make money. Saving people doesn’t. ]
Can't lie, engineered magic just sounds like science to me. [ Clarke's Third Law, and all. ] So, you—what? Sold it?
no subject
[ a huff, scoff even, ]
They just wouldn't approve of anything that didn't fill their pockets. [ jayce was proud of what they'd created, but he wasn't proud of the way it was handled. he wasn't proud of the way he was marketed, how he fell right into it, and how viktor was erased. even from his own blueprints in the hands of the kirammans. jayce feels feels tired guilt as he counts the time he was . . . manipulated. ] Seven years, we strengthened their trade, made them richer, with the promise that we could do what we wanted after that.
[ it's not mel's fault. if anything, she helped him navigate those dangerous waters, to keep the idea afloat, keep it within reach, get what he wanted. she made him dance to such a beautiful tune, and damn it, there were times where he liked it.
he still was the one who made mistakes. ]
Seven years, and I kept falling for it.
no subject
It's hard to hold it against him.
And yet... Dahlia swallowed the same poisoned honey, believing pretty lies to mask the taste of ash and rot. Sharon lost her innocence to it, her life, and Jinx lost her family. The thought makes Sharon pull in a sharp breath before letting it out slow, disappointment bleeding through the Murmur. ]
That's a long time to believe in lies, Jayce.
no subject
[ you'd believe me. jayce sucks in a breath and scrunches his nose; he was reminded of his trial, just now, and it kind of makes him cringe. his passion for this was undoubtedly steeled, though. ]
I didn't spend . . . Every waking year of my life, obsessing over this research— just to give up. I fought for it when no one else believed in me, [ he nearly took his own life when it was forcefully taken from him— but he'd rather not say that about himself. ] . . . Except for Viktor.
[ he adds; he'd shove credit at him wherever he'd go. clearing his throat, jayce continues. ]
It took seven years to make the Hexgates. After that, we were given leeway. We had prototypes ready, made during that time— to finally help the lower, working class population.
[ then . . . two things happened. jayce sighs heavily. ]
Jinx stole the hexcrystals the same night they were supposed to be presented to the public.
no subject
Hexgates, hexcrystals... and Jinx had taken them. Sharon's brow furrows, a caution creeping through the Murmur as if she were bracing herself for something. ]
And what came of that?
no subject
[ he's clearly disappointed in himself, but he also doesn't know to what point that would have made things better or worse. if jinx had stolen them anyway, it would create even more turmoil, perhaps. but, more than one person close to him was upset with that decision. he regrets listening to heimerdinger, but then again— there were so many people asking something of him, and he was only doing his best. ]
They made me a councilor, after that. To oversee the Hexgates' security. [ it's not what sharon thinks— at least not yet. a lot of things happened before leading to jinx's strike. but sharon wanted to hear his side of the story, didn't she? this was it. ] I never wanted that job. It wasn't even for me, [ there were too many political games that made him seethe. ] but I still took it seriously. And I did my best, in earnest.
[ a beat. he might even be huffing, in disbelief. ]
The last thing I managed to do before stepping down was gain the council's approval for an agreement, for Zaun's independence.
[ he assumes she knows where that is, is jinx has been talking to her. ]
no subject
But knowing him now, she doesn't think he still is. ]
I'm sure that's impressive, but unless that agreement actually went through, it doesn't mean much for the people it was supposed to help. [ Her tone softens, but only a little. She doesn't know the ins and outs of his world's politics, but she's seen enough of her own country to know how it usually works; these things were meant to lead people along without ever delivering what was needed. ]
no subject
How could it? [ pointed, ] Jinx launched a missile into the room right as it was approved.
no subject
I'm sure she had her reasons, whatever they were, [ Sharon says after a pause, her tone flat but not unkind, ] but that's... pretty shitty. [ She understands what Jayce had been trying to do, and how Jinx had blown it apart, both figuratively and literally. ]
no subject
and what jayce projects is something like the slow, bubbling eruption of a volcano. ]
Pretty shitty—? [ a disbelieving scoff— ] Sharon, she intentionally blew up a building. There were people in there. For what the council was, there were still good people willing to make a difference. A mother to me, my partner—
[ jayce can't make it clear whether he wants to specify at the moment. mel. viktor. their brief images of that day flash by, with viktor's being in the greatest panic. both his partners and both with these feelings attatched that tangle into far more than simple affection. it is love, for the both of them. even if he and mel had drifted apart, he still loves her. and viktor—
he cannot get started on viktor. it makes his whole body rack with contained rage. ]
. . . I carried his body across the city to resuscitate him. [ she just— did the one thing that would set him off. the night still gives him nightmares, every fucking night. he hears viktor's snapping left and right under his hands, bleeding all over him. he didn't want to pit her against jinx— but flatness, read as nonchalance, closes him off like an iron wall. ] "Pretty shitty".
no subject
[ But then she draws back through the Murmur, softening despite herself. She knows how it sounds—cold, unfeeling, maybe even cruel. And maybe she is. Maybe she can be. The only reason she doesn't snap outright is because it's Jayce, because she likes him, because she hates that he's suffered because of the actions—and inactions—of others. ]
I'm sorry, okay? I don’t think you deserved that, or your partner... [ At least, she hopes not. She wants to believe Jayce wouldn't stay close to someone who'd stand by and watch others suffer. ] But, yeah, it's pretty shitty, and I'm sorry I didn't choose a better pair of words to express my horror that you had to go through that.
[ Heavy emphasis on you. ]
no subject
he needs a tree to be on the other end of his temper. one that at times feels alien to him, unlike him— but a lot of things changed since that ravine. ]
. . . We've all got our burdens to bear. [ and that's it. with a sigh that comes from squeezing his temples, he thinks: ] Think I'm at my limit for today, though.
[ he's just— not in the mood anymore, but he's trying to be polite about it. it's exhausting and the worst is that he can't even sleep it off. there is a dark sort of writhing in him that just wishes to disappear for a while, an old nightmare beckoning always, at his heels, at every year of age. but he's here, now. alive when he'd decided not to be. so— who knows. he's going to try and crack a book, or find good sticks to carve. make some prototypes. ]
If you want to know anything else, shoot.
[ he'll be curt. he's being curt, now. less mentally bare, but that's for the good of them both.
the wounds have peeled open when they've once scabbed. he has every damn good reason to hate her. he's still drilling himself to not do that. he's damn well better than that. ]
no subject
There's nothing else right now. [ She pauses, the silence stretching just a heartbeat before she adds, softer, ] Thanks for your honesty, Jayce. [ Because it matters. Whether or not she agrees with him, the fact that he offered her his truth means more than she can easily put into words. ]
no subject
[ and honesty had everything to do with being a decent human being. he was brought up that way, and never has he changed that. something to . . . be proud of, at least. maybe his mother would be happy something wasn't lost in the way he was reshaped. ]
Good night, Sharon.
[ jayce bows out quietly, after that. a show of an olive branch, since his frustrations had nothing to do with her. he just needed some air, and is thankful for the space given. ]